Hide and Seek

theoddcatlady:

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine… ten!

“Ready or not, here I come!”

Hide and Seek has always been my favorite game. I love playing it with my mommy, sometimes she seeks, but it’s best when she hides. She sometimes hides in the most fun areas, like under the kitchen sink or behind the couch. When I’d jump out and shout ‘I found you!’ she’d laugh and gather me into her arms, blowing raspberries onto my tummy and making me laugh so much I couldn’t breathe.

Lately though, it’s been getting hard to find her.

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My family is all coming to visit. Uncles, Aunts, my other sister’s nieces and nephew. All converging on my house to… well I suppose weep for my sister. Does it sound like I’m bothered by this? Not really. I mean maybe a little. I’ll have to go out and socialize, that’ll be sucky. And it will too. Do I sound heartless? It’s not that I don’t care, I do. I mean this is someone who was just a couple of years older than I, someone who used to run around and do stuff with me, a sister, one of four and yet irreplaceable. But still, she made her choice and we have to live with it. Was it a desperate cry for attention? If so it’s a stupid cry. I mean it’s not like I can pay more attention now or that’ll matter, I mean she’s dead what more can I do except make sure that she’s buried the way she wants and move on. The world won’t stop for me to grieve. Grieve, how do you grieve properly? How am I supposed to feel, what am I supposed to be doing? My nephew told me I’m dealing with this the way I know how. Smart fucker isn’t he? Jesus. Of course I put pressure on him and asked him what am I supposed to be doing to do this grieving thing right, he pretty much said what I say which is, “You do what you think you need to.” *shrug*

So I sit here. It’s not like I can do much else if I wanted to. My spine being what it is means that there isn’t a whole lot physically that I can do. But this isn’t just about being physically able, I mean do I want to do anything. Not really, it’s a bump in my day, except, except that I think I should feel more than I do right now. I don’t think I’m a sociopath or anything like that, it’s not that I don’t care, I do. But I’m numb right now and I don’t understand why. Why am I numb right now? Does she mean more than I thought. I’d like to think that each member of my family is essential and very important to me. I’ve known them all my life… except .. well I’ve traveled all my life and I don’t keep in touch worth a damn. I’m very selfish like that. If I have to do more than call I don’t talk and even calling is something I just don’t do. Texting? Fuck that. I’m not used to texting any more than I’m used to being on fb all day or saying something worthwhile. My deepest thoughts are, “Am I going to enjoy this?” and “Hmm, I wonder what I should eat today.” Yeah deep isn’t it. But this is my sister we’re talking about. A family member that I looked up too and idolized.Of course I idolized her, have you seen her work? Shit man. Gawd I was so fucking jealous every time she drew a character she was playing in less than 10 minutes. Fuck what I wouldn’t give to have that skill and ability. And fuck you for saying if I just practiced more, it’s not that. Ann has always had the unique gift of art. Drawing, painting, sculpting, dry, wet name it except musical instruments. I still remember the sounds of the braying french horn at bedtime. Ann was art. For as long as I can remember she’s always been able to create something from nothing and with no practice. so imagine how good she was after all those years in art school, from her time in Italy as well. Damn her and her awesome art-ability. So yeah, fuck you for telling me to just practice, this wasn’t something that you just did. Ann was Art and now Ann is dead and I’m left with wondering what this is all supposed to mean to me. Well maybe not supposed too… 

About three hours ago I learned that my sister Ann killed herself. I’m still trying to figure out how I am supposed to process this, how am I supposed to feel. Ann was an amazing artist. So much so that I defined art by her. A two-edged sword. I could never get past that view to actually do any good with my own art. And now she’s gone. What little she has left is all the art she will ever make. How do you process this? How do you accept that a person you have known your entire life is gone? 

Of course I could get mad at her. I mean why the fuck would you waste your life that way? Of course, I’m not saying that the way I waste life is any better, but I’m still here. So, am I better because of that simple fact? That I have yet to hung myself, to end my own life? Or is she better off because, at least for now, her fight is done. Her struggles of the atrocities committed against her won’t bother her any more. Well unless she was a die-hard christian. Then it’s hell and suffering for all eternity. Don’t worry, she wasn’t. She believed that there was something out there… more or less. I kind’a wish I was more in tune with the Force, would she pop in and say hello? Would she be a blue glow or a red glow? Probably no glow. She’d pop in say hi and if I asked her she’d tell me she’s true neutral, fuck that light and dark-side shit. Fuck man, no more pictures, no more art Go here apparently her website annbeckettillustrations is down. well fuck. no more Ann, no more art. 

Fuck man…. I hated it when she criticized my works. It would devastate me every fucking time. I couldn’t do anything near as good as her and to hear her tell me that it wasn’t good enough why even try….. So perhaps it’s an upside. I don’t have to worry about whether something I drew would be criticized so harshly.. Not that she meant to be harsh. I mean it was probably all my interpretation of what she said. Standards, you know. Fuck. How do you deal with a death in the family, a suicide no less. Do you bother to ask why? I mean I’m fairly certain I know the why, our childhood wasn’t that great, society sucks for women, for those in the lgbtq community. Sure, plenty of reasons why. So I suppose I’m not too worried about the why… shit, she got out. She had the courage to make a final and lasting decision that the rest of us have to live with. She’s gone from our lives and there is nothing that will bring her back. Her art is just a few pieces of work and there will be no more. She fought the good fight and, well now she’s done. Good for her. I’m glad she got what she wanted in the end. I’m not glad that, that was her only option. I am not happy that she was put in that position. I am not happy with the handling of mental illnesses. What can I do? What should I do? I suppose I could use this as a springboard and create some organization or volunteer for one…. suicide prevention? nah, I’m not that helpful. I don’t deal with other people’s problems. Perhaps that’s why she couldn’t come to me about it. I don’t handle problems well. I find a solution, make it work and forget about it. I run away. I avoid. I don’t deal. Is her death, no, is her suicide a problem for me? I hadn’t seen her in almost a month and we live in the same fucking city. So it’s not like I was gonna see her anytime soon, except now I won’t be able to at all unless I count visiting a grave which isn’t there yet because she just died. The house is still cordoned off with police tape. 

you know, she actually hung herself probably two days ago. 2 days hanging in the closet in the florida heat. Two days of being dead and I only learned about it a couple of hours ago. I suppose by now the police are done in the house. We’ll have to go over and collect her things and the car. so this is what it would be like if I killed myself. People wondering how to feel and how to deal. People planning on collecting my belongings so that way my place can be someone else’s. the world continues to rotate around the sun. Except I haven’t created beautiful works of art. Except I didn’t have a future to fight for. Maybe she couldn’t see a future to fight for either. 

My sister killed herself and I don’t know how to feel or deal with this.

chubbychoco:

More fuel for the ‘humans are the weird ones’ fire: We are arbitrarily frightened of creatures which can’t possibly hope to hurt us.

When a human crewmate begins howling fearfully after a routine stop on Terra, designated guards can’t get there fast enough. What sort of horrifying beast capable of frightening the all-consuming, self-poisoning, oxygen-breathing HUMAN could have possibly made it past security protocols?!

And it turns out it’s a cricket.

“Is it venomous?! Is it flesh-eating?! Does it spray some sort of biological agent that eats away at your neural pathways?!”

“No, it’s just CREEPY! It landed ON MY NECK!! Someone get rid of it!!”

Once the aliens understand the phenomenon of ‘creepy’, they’re even more confused. What makes it creepy? Why, in its innocence of living, does the lowly cricket inspire fear? It’s so underdeveloped by Terran standards; it doesn’t even have the mental complexity needed to experience pain!

And let’s not forget that these fears aren’t universal. Some of us are not only indifferent to the presence of ‘creepy’ animals, we actively seek to surround ourselves with them.

“Human-Jacob, why do you seek the assistance of Human-Vanessa when you find a Terran snake? Can you not hunt it yourself?”

“Oh, hell no. I’m not touching those things.”

“Is Human-Vanessa a predatory subspecies? Is that what enables her to capture them more efficiently?”

“What? No. She just thinks they’re cute.”

tel-abelas-mofo:

andrasteshaircurlers:

tredlocity:

the-heralds-inquisition:

spitblaze:

magefire:

can u imagine mage discourse on tumblr, like

“mages who only know one spell are fake!!”
“healer privilege is real”
“uwu don’t call yourself a fire mage if you use ice too uwu”
“mages who still have the robe aesthetic are valid!!!”

“Dont follow if you practice necromancy”
“OP is summonerphobic :/”

“Wow, you’re a shapeshifter??? So, are you like, a furry?”

“Staves are for squares, throw a fireball with your bare hands like a real mage.”

“Remember to check your mana before casting spells and drink some water after you use fire spells for long periods! Stretch your wrists and shoulders regularly!”

“Aren’t all mages technically rift mages since you all use the Fade?”

“I can’t be mage-phobic, I have a friend who’s a mage!”

“Oh my gosh, you’re a MAGE? But you totally don’t look like one!”

“I once got anon hate and I think it was from a blood mage so my hatred is totally justified.”

“Fire or ice? Excuse you, that’s spirit mage exclusionist!”

“You’re a necromancer? Oh, sweetheart, who hurt you???”

“i hate when warriors tell me to just magic an enemy away. like okay why dont you just fuckin sword it away then karen?”

“Don’t follow if you use bloodmagic.”

“Lightning mage appreciation week!”

“Call out post: This person insulted battlemages!”

“You can’t be a mage and a warrior! Knight Enchanters are not REAL mages!”

“Saftey first! Always put your hair up if you are casting fire spells on a windy day!”

ALL 👏 TEMPLARS 👏 ARE 👏 BLOOD 💉 MAGES

WAKE UP CIRCLES

@nelofthecosmos

(Source: fadespirit)